Post 8: When a man tells you he loves you… little too late! 115 to go!

Kat doodles about life:

Forget the Darwin! Forget the painting! Forget how my new interpreting job went! There is something so important I have the need to write about that it has to come out right now! It has been a topic on my mind for the last few years, but I have never felt like it is something to explore further until it happened again few days ago.

So I am having an online chat with a man until early hours of the morning. I consider him now as a friend, but about six years ago he was an object of my affection and was madly into him. My visits at home can be counted in weeks and I always arrive as a hurricane, cause a lot of drama and an excitement without purposely planning to of course and as quickly I arrived I also quickly depart. This particular young man certainly knew I was well into him, but we never really got to the stage of making it into a relationship. The same way I was not quite ready to leave UK due to my university commitments and go back home to be with him.

After not much contact over the last six years although following what we would be up to, we ended up talking and there he suddenly said it! It was that I always thought of you, I always loved you, I never stopped thinking about you, I still love you!  Wow, what do I do with this? Of course I was pleased! What kind of woman would not be happy? But part of me felt like waving my hands in the air shouting: “Why did you have to wait all these years until now to tell me?” as well as part of me, who felt like saying : “That’s really sweet, but I am sorry I no longer feel the same way about you. I have moved on and looking for different kind of man than I was looking for back in the day. ” It was that classic literature moment, when Onegin writes a letter to Tatyana. Was it something Pushkin experienced himself perhaps? That he lost out on a woman of his life and she was never coming back?!

I know I am not the typical kind of girl and certainly live my life to its maximum through crazy adventures I do not fully think through, so I guess sometimes the speed I expect people to react with to my behaviour is not reasonable. But I do give it a fair chance. Like on those other three occasions, when men told me they loved me, still do and if…, but I knew they are not going to do anything about it. It’s because they live in other countries now with either their wives, girlfriends or simply still single waiting for something exciting to wake them up. It might even be that they love dreaming about the idea of possibly something happening in the future. When Adele’s Someone Like You came out, it took  me good few months  to be able to compose myself every time I heard it. No wonder why it became so popular! It is something what every woman has to tell herself, when she looses a man she feels so strongly about.

So what is the result? Well, it is not going to happen. No matter how much they think, wish or believe. They have missed the chance. And although this young man said to me: “It’s never too late!” Well actually it is! It is sometimes little too late. The quote about meeting in different time, in different place is so true! Beautiful example of that is a book called One Day, which describes the story of two main characters meeting each other over twenty years. When I read it, I felt like buying it and sending it to all those particular men to perhaps wake them up, but I never did. It is not my place to tell someone that they should express what they feel. But they should take the consequences when they are  little too late once they express it, because we women have already walked for long enough the same way as Forrest Gump ran through America to forget his pain.

With love. Yours Kat

wpid-IMG_20131219_231557.jpg

Advertisements

Post 4! Making little steps towards a bigger picture & driving lesson n. 4! 118 to go!

Kat doodles about life and gets arty:

I was going to write this post mainly about my fourth driving lesson, but it is all going on at the moment, so here are some updates. After publishing my rather philosophical post I spent the rest of the Thursday dealing with my e-mail account and managed to clear three out of five folders to completely nothing so now there is only incoming mail to deal with.  I had some rather nice responses to my worries and everything is moving in the right direction.

Mentioning the “January” project in the last few weeks, I finally received the result in. Well, it was a fail. I have not had enough interest, so I better go back to the drawing board and rethink the whole concept again. Mainly I think the problem was in tight deadlines when submitting paperwork, which caused delay and having the knock on affect on not being able to advertise for long enough period to get the word spread around. I have now option to turn in into “April” project if I want to, so let’s try again and not to be deceived by a failure. It is all a learning curve.

Now we are getting to my fourth driving lesson. After having two weeks of Christmas break I tried to remind myself of the process, when it comes to making the car move, attempting to find it in my Driving Theory Book, which did not have anything like that in. After I wanted to search You Tube, but instead got distracted by Facebook. I better work on that. Theory studying now as my bed time reading.

Certain moves are already fully saved in my brain such as moving from first to second gear pretty much straight away and 20mph zone feels way too slow now I have tried driving 30 mph! However on the other hand I still have problem remembering the exact procedure, when starting the car, although I am slowly getting there. The session was mainly about getting comfortable with starting and stopping up and down the hill at T-junctions and driving through little roundabouts whilst using first three gear. My driving instructor commented on the lesson as the best one so far, although I did not share his enthusiasm. Too much oncoming traffic, pushing the pedals slowly to make the car go fast and start up to the hill on T-junction  are just taking forever to get a grip with. Apparently my steering really improved and he started taking step back from teaching under full instruction, so I guess little by little I am getting there.

I have used Saturday to move my studio space around and decided to get ready for some painting.  For a good while I have been thinking what to paint going through piles of images, scrapbooks, and doing the search until Friday night at work brought the inspiration. A gentleman came in dressed in well enough presentable clothes but I spotted straightaway few paint splodges and commented it on as exciting. After having small talk he asked me if I can paint naked men, so I replied of course I can, but I prefer architecture. I had to go and serve other customers, so we did not get to what he actually meant, I hope I find out, but it got me thinking on another level.

This week I have been going through my some of my work getting ready for the presentation, picking up one of my favourite drawing exercise from second year of uni using mainly just energetic charcoal strokes. Most of the time, if I can, I love using pens and byros when sketching to achieve that exciting feel. During the presentation someone actually also commented on this drawing as the outstanding one out of all other similar work. Suddenly this and the converstaion in the club got me thinking about inspiration for my past project, and I have figured out men in my life are certainly one of the subjects I focus on a lot. 195022_208080709204457_3324463_o

So I thought why not?! If they get me back into painting, I do not see the problem. I decided to start with bearded men since they have lot of manly character, facial hair, rinkles and other lines, they will be perfect object to study using different variety of the brush or pencil strokes. I will probably show you more in my next post, but I started with men such as Dostojewski, Darwin and few others found in the online world. I am also planning to ask few bearded men I know myself. For now here two very quick sketches in little A6 size sketchbook I did last night at work. Back soon. Love Kat xx

face

img010

I used printed image, so lot of the fine detail disappeared in one black flat surface area..

tumblr_mcz9j5veVa1qg4knho1_500 img012

Day 47: Night and day of hanging out! 45 days to go!

Kat doodles about life:

So yesterday I somehow did not end up going home after Friday night’s club shift. Ha! You are thinking! Yes, my naughty side of me was tempted by the most known man of Clifton to go out after work. Since the last weekend stay in Clifton hoping to enjoy our one year non-anniversary with my ex boyfriend ended up in a bit of an awkward situation, I convinced myself that drunken everyone around me and all the not so sexy men with movember mustaches, might actually be the way forward this weekend.

However it was the same disappointment. I was sipping orange juice and attempting to run away from a guy, who followed me the whole time whilst I was there unsuccessfully wiggling my foot to some sort of rhythm. He worked in the navy, and did not know, where is Czech Republic. Highly offended, based on the fact Geography should be his number one priority, I was hoping to help him, when I said that there is no sea and he said he still had no idea. The final answer “Oh yeah” came, when I said it is next to Germany. He still followed me around the club afterwards and it had to take one of my middle-aged club customers to pretend we have been married for five years and he wants him to leave me alone. And the puzzled boy actually did.

I ended up crashing on my friend’s, who tempted me to go out, sofa at 6:30 am after having two-hour chat about recently discovering single life again and where do you find that matching person for the rest of your life. I guess we are both very sociable people, however single and certainly looking for that someone, who is going to appreciate us for our eccentric personalities, passions, we have and those simple things in life. Not for the money or the looks. And after reading Kenneth’s new post, I had to laugh, it is not just on my mind.

Few hours later I woke up calling my other adventurous female friend to hang out for breakfast and since we were joined by her other female friend the topic of course turned to men and I cracked them up with a quote: “My standards are so low, I cannot go any lower. I mean I am not expecting them to have great cars, fantastic jobs and wear expensive brands. Just them doing, what they love, and like me for who I am, and my not so ordinary lifestyle.  Why I am still single?”, I asked. Personally I think the answer is that I cannot help myself and always go for the eccentric freaks, bad guys, who have bags of issues and looking for that caring woman  trying to become their Mother Theresa. Online dating world is full of them and I am glad to leave it about two years ago already as the other female friend was telling us her recent experiences. They both said that my club job must be great way of meeting guys. Well  it is, but there is a big BUT!

The range of men is from being either ten years younger than me or the age group of 35 to 60. And it is very rare for them not to be predictable, boring and totally non creative with their: ‘You are beautiful…have beautiful eyes, shiny lips and very good English…!’ How much I would rather have someone talking to me about their recent trip to South America inviting me secretly on a date using excuse of ‘I will show you the photographs, if you like’.  I barely use make up, I do not like clothes shopping and for dates I rather pick that free activity like cycling or walking, just in case my date would leave me split the bill as for someone like me- budding free-lance artist- it is rather scary experience to check my bank balance. Never mind the fact I hate the feeling that I own something to someone. Going on a date with somebody who turns out to be not so great company, who is after a kiss or even more in a really bad scenario, is not for me. I know there are women, who do that, but I am not one of them. I like being independent, not just in love, but also at work. It may take you longer to get where you want, but at least you are free to leave whenever you want.

And not to be so negative ending this post since the whole night and day happened to be about men, I am sure finding that perfect man of mine will happen one day. If not, I am so totally prepared and made a pact with a male friend, that we will end up living together, just in case the ‘hapilly ever after’ won’t happen to us. However I was reminded that miracles happen by couple of friends and their absolutely beautiful, love of a first sight, cat (she says not being the dog or cat or any pet lover at all), I went to see later on the very same day. They are the perfect example or loving couple and if I could clone her boyfriend, I would. He is the most wonderful, loving, caring, polite guy I know  (well from how he comes across to me) and they have been like this for the last six years since she met him on a drunken night out. So I guess there is a hope for me! If she could find someone like him, sure I can.  And even with a bit of that right level of madness.

20131116_205245