Kat doodles about life:
I managed to not to be persuaded to stay out after work on Friday night, ‘very well done Kat, you deserve a pat on a shoulder’, but also the obvious ‘well, you are not exactly well, you should be in bed’ kind of thing. So there should not even be anything written about this anyway. Friday night was interesting. I saw my ex boyfriend, first time in three weeks since I made that final decision there is absolutely no hope for us even after three months of going back and forth. He came to the club with a new lady and when I woke up Saturday lunchtime he called me for 35 minutes to have a chat about it. Quite frankly the ‘I do not care’ attitude must have shocked him, as I was not even meaning to behave like that. Being ill and busy with customers was enough for me to deal with. It makes me wonder how interesting it is to cut that line between someone you cared so much about and then not even bother at all. Boyfriends and girlfriends are technically just strangers, who are involved purely on their attractions to each other. So they come and go, but real friends they always stay. Of course I still do care about him, but him appearing with another woman left me strangely cold inside. It’s almost like been there, done that, did not work, tried to fix it, did not work, moved on. Job done, end off.
That pressure of having to make something work or figuring it out. As I am getting older there are certain types of pressure, which I do not care about anymore like being the best at school or pleasing everyone at work. You get to the point of your life, where people except you and your skills for what they are or simply not. When I go home for holidays, it is now much simpler for me to go ‘I will see you and you and you’, and not waste time with people who are nice to your face and bitchy behind your back, just because you have managed to get off your ass (excuse my language) and done something with your life and they did not. The pressure of peer acceptance is suddenly gone and more cool you are about it, more friends you make. At school I was always the weird one, who enjoyed hanging out with the weird people and quite simply I do that until now and my friends know, that they will always have a special time with me which will always include some sort form or shape of wine, any alcohol, food, juicy gossip from my love life, sarcastic jokes or simply my hug and kiss. And I do wish to see them more often my friends in Australia, Belgium, Netherlands, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Spain, France, South Africa or even here in the UK and many other countries, but it is that pressure of my bank account.
Of the money I earn, the money I have or not have, the pressure of committing to pay certain things every month, which comes now with the pressure of career prospects and not having to end up working in Aldi as that was ongoing theme of offers last night at work. And it continues with the pressure of having a boyfriend, going to couples dinner parties, the pressure of getting married and the pressure of having babies. I have this friend back home and we would always go out for wine and talk about the problem of meeting other friends- mothers and them doing two things at the same time-having a chat and taking care of the baby. Both of us would agree that it would be disturbing as we could not calmly concentrate on what we say. Nothing wrong with babies or motherhood, it is just that transition of pressure, which pushes you into different world or group of people. And now she has a little baby and I feel the pressure. I feel that I won’t be able to look at her having the same kind of chat ever again. And I really hope, I am wrong.
I guess it all depends where you are in your life and if the pressure is a real one like doing well, passing exam, peer and family pressure, or just simply getting to the point of ‘yeah let’s try this and see what happens’ or ‘I quite would like to…’ . Right about now I am quite happy that the only pressure I feel I have to do is my daily blog, and let me tell you writing three posts in one day catching with this week and ongoing failing internet was not fun, plus the monthly outgoing I am committed to otherwise sometimes I feel like packing my bag and moving away the same way I did when I left home at the age of 19. Is that wrong feeling that way? Should I be more grown up? I felt I always was up until now. Being now 28, newly single, living in a cool city I always loved, although feeling the ‘what you are doing with your job prospects’, made me recently realize I still have another ten years to go with all the things I want to do. Travel, have fun, make that business work, and may be even have that marriage and babies (?), but keeping up with the I do not care or no pressure attitude will be rather better me thinks. Lot of my friends I have been hanging out in the past few years are 35+, so I can see that it is fine to chill out about this whole thing, because your dreams won’t happen overnight unless you meet Aladdin. And ultimetaly I am in charge of my life, so I should not care about the pressure others express… As I discovered in the last three months little by little (literally day by day in this case) can get you very far, so I think I will take this personal challenge into next year,forget the pressure and see what happens with ‘happy go lucky’ attitude. Back soon. Kat xx